KingLuscious.com

Pregnancy. Its a scary prospect to those who do not wish it.

Imagine you’re a young woman, if you are actually a young woman, then imagine you’re a man imagining to be a young woman, and you’re finally ready to take the next step with your boyfriend. You’re both 17 years old and you’re both virgins. Sure, you’ve fooled around together: making out, heavy petting and rainbow parties, but you’ve never gone “all the way.”

Tonight is the night though. You’ve been together for 5 months and its true love. Of course, its not really true love, its merely the sort of love two hormone driven teenagers fall into when they really really want to finally get laid, which, in the end, may be the only real true love there is. Regardless, tonight is the night.

After a magical dinner at the most modestly priced casual dining restaurant available, the two of you head back to his place because his parents are both alcoholics and will have passed out hours ago. In his room, its paradise. The lights go down, the music comes up and the two of you melt into each other.

Well, that’s not exactly how it went. The lights did go down and the music did come up, but there was very little melting. Instead, there were lots of false starts and even an early finish, but in the end, you finally got the mechanics worked out and had a go of it. Unfortunately for the both of you, the following conversation preceded the physical act of love:

You (the young woman): Do you have anything?
Him (the young man): Anything what? Like coke or black tar heroin, because yes, and thank god you’re into it because now we can share everything!
You: No, I mean, you know…protection?
Him: A gun. Hell yeah. All sorts of cockjerks try to steal my shit. Especially my moms. She’s always trying to get a free bump. What a fucking bitch.
You: No, you fucking idiot. Condoms. Do you have any condoms.
Him: Fuck condoms. I go bareback or I don’t go at all. Of course, being a virgin, I don’t really know the difference, nor have I ever gone. But, if movies, television and edgy comedians have taught me anything, its that condoms are uncool and should be hated.
You: What if I get pregnant?
Him: You won’t get pregnant. Without proper funding for sex education in public schools I’ve had to get my information from porn and drunk day laborers behind the Home Depot. The consensus seems to be that you can’t get pregnant on your first time. Something about a magic barrier, I think its called a HeyMan. Plus, I’ll pull out for added protection and mess.
You: Ok. I guess that’ll be alright.

Then the two of you folded yourselves into one another for 31 magical seconds. Which, as it turns out, was far shorter than your young playmate was expecting.

I would like to take a moment to dispel a myth if I may. The myth of premature ejaculation. There is a difference between premature ejaculation and just not lasting all that long. As a frequent victim of both of these phenomena, I feel uniquely qualified to impart some knowledge on the subject. Premature ejaculation is the onset of an orgasmic state in a male’s wang before the usual buildup of anticipatory tingles and jingles have materialized. The resultant orgasm is, therefore, a surprise to both parties involved. However, this differs from just not lasting a long time because the aforementioned tingles and jingles are present, just earlier than anyone would have hoped.

As it turns out, the end was so unexpected, the young man was completely unaware of its immediacy, the end result of which is that instead of pulling out and making an awful mess on or around your stomach, he, instead, made an awful mess inside your beef curtain, wet folded flip-flop, quivering mound of love pudding (What?!), vagina.

Silence enveloped the scene like a shroud. He was mortified, not because of the millions of tiny potential hims swimming blissfully toward their evolutionary goal, no, he was quite afraid you would ruin his studly reputation by telling everyone he’s a minuteman, or in this case, a slightly longer than half a minuteman. You were worried because you knew girls got pregnant in this way, and your boyfriends joyous tales of magical barriers and wood elves didn’t seem to hold a lot of water all of a sudden.

Afraid of the life ruining potential of that 31 seconds of pseudo-pleasure, you excused yourself from the situation and ran home as fast as your naked legs would carry you. Lucky for you, you forgot to get dressed before you left and were immediately picked up by a benevolent truck driver and escorted home. (You would later find images of yourself naked on the internet taken by this trucker with his hidden camera in the dashboard, of course, this was the least of your worries).

Once home, you immediately consulted the greatest repository of knowledge the world has ever known, the Bible. Finding the heavy handed prose archaic and unreadable, you signed on to the internet and searched for the word pregnancy. After wading through thousands of porn sites selling the latest Ready To Drop DVDs, you finally found an educational sight for women’s health. Much to your chagrin, you found that there is as much chance of getting pregnant the first time you have sex as there is the second or even sixth.

“What if I’m pregnant?”, you thought. What if indeed. Well, your life would be ruined in most people’s eyes. I won’t say that every teenage pregnancy ruins the life of the mother, but the vast majority of them do. Especially the ones that come from modest financial upbringings like yourself. You begin to look for ways out of the situation. There’s abortion.

Another aside if I may. I am pro choice. That’s right. I believe it is a woman’s right to decide if she will bring a baby into the world. There are any number of reasons she may decide to have an abortion. She may have been raped. She may have had a failure of birth control. Or, you know what, she may have just made a bad decision and had unprotected sex. The point is, a fertilized egg is far from a human life. Even with that being said, the decision to have an abortion is often a debilitating one for a woman, leaving her with regret and depression. So, all you pro lifers out there can save your rhetoric, I’ve heard it all before and it hasn’t swayed me yet. Also, if you even think of using religion as the stance from which to argue, I immediately discount and hate you, because guess what, not everyone is a Christian and not everyone takes the bible as a literal truth. So raise up off.

Anyway, you’re wondering if there’s another option for you. First of all, you don’t even know if you’re pregnant or not, you just know that there is a chance. Second, having an abortion will open you up to all sorts of ridicule. Slut and whore will be branded on you by religious fanatics and Planned Parenthood protesters. Its definitely not something you want to be subjected to. After all, you’re not a slut. You’ve made a mistake where sex is concerned. A failure in the education system and in the general “Oh God No!!!” attitude of this country toward teenage sex is partially to blame. Of course, you share the blame as well, after all, it was your decision to have sex.

There is another option. Levonorgestrel. RU-486. Plan B. The morning after pill.

This pill is perfect for your situation. If taken within the first 72 hours of unprotected sex it can reduce the risk of pregnancy by 89%. Notice what I just said. It can reduce the risk of pregnancy, it doesn’t end a pregnancy. It has no affect on an implanted egg in the wall of the uterus. It is not an abortion.

This pill is only available by prescription. This pill, highly effective within the first 72 hours, is only available through laborious completion of paperwork and appointments with a physician. By the time you get the pill, it is no longer useful.

The company that produces Plan B applied for over-the-counter status from the F.D.A. a couple of years ago. The application was denied without the due process given to other drugs. The scientific evaluation of the drug by the F.D.A. scientists wasn’t even completed when the decision was made to deny the application. What this means people, is that political prostration at the hands of anti-abortion lobbyists have removed the chance of this drug getting into the hands of the people who need it in a timely manner. Let’s not even get into the quagmire of separation of church and state issues, as these anti-abortion lobbyists are funded predominantly by religious organizations.

The drug in Plan B is the same as the one in birth control pills, its just a higher dose of it. It does not even equal abortion.

So, in a roundabout way, I’m asking any women that read this to write the F.D.A. and express your (my) outrage with them in conducting the approval process for Plan B in such an irresponsible manner. These rights you have are being eroded by the religious right and even if you are a Christian and believe abortion is wrong, Plan B isn’t abortion.

If I were having sex with anyone, or even held the slim hope of actually getting laid again in this lifetime, I would take up arms against the F.D.A. myself. But, as it stands, this is a fight that outrages me, but doesn’t affect me. Unfortunately.

-kingluscious.