Jul 2006
How To Please A Stranger.
Hey Kids, its me, Uncle Kingluscious, back again with
some helpful tips.
Let's play pretend for a minute ok?
Close your eyes kids. Imagine you're at your favorite playground. You and Becky just finished playing Doctor behind the slide. (And don't worry my young female readers, its ok to experiment with other girls by playing Doctor. Your mommy probably did it in college)
As you come out from behind the slide, you see an orange van parked a little ways down the street from the park. That van has been there all day and sometimes you see a man looking out the window. He's old and has a baseball cap and sunglasses on. He looks funny huh kids?
Well, you've finished with Becky and its time to move on. You start to leave the park. Your house is only 2 blocks away so your mother lets you walk to and from it alone. You live in a nice neighborhood where everybody knows everybody and everybody steals cable.
As you're walking, the van starts to roll very slowly behind you. You look over your shoulder and see the man looking at you. He drives a little faster and pulls up beside you, rolling along as you walk. He asks, "Hey kid, want a ride?"
Alright kids, this is where you have a choice to make.
You can either do what your mommy says, which is probably something like this: "If a stranger ever comes up to you, don't talk to him. Don't take anything from him. Immediately head to a trusted neighbor's house or find a police officer. If none of these things are near you, start screaming."
Seriously kids, does this sound fun? Of course not.
How does your mommy know what this man wants? She doesn't. She's probably a lying whore just like all the women this children's columnist has ever known.
Let me tell you something about strangers kids. They're nothing more than friends you haven't met yet.
This man in the van will probably offer you all sorts of good things if you get in his van. He probably has candy, comic books, video games, barbie dolls, anal beads, ponies, trust funds and Santa Clause all hidden in the back of his van or back in the basement of his dark house on the end of the cul de sac.
I say you get in the van. What's the worst that can happen? Death by overdose of fun. That's what!!!
Of course, fun doesn't come without a price though kids. Just ask your mommy about that one, she'll understand.
The stranger may ask for special favors from you. Don't be scared though. This man is giving lots of toys and candy, you have to expect he'll want something in return.
So here are a few simple rules that will ensure you know how to please any stranger you may meet:
Here's the most important thing you need to know though kids. So everyone get real close to the monitor so you can make sure you read it right.
It is OK to lie to your parents. They lie to you all the time, its only fair.
So, when your mommy comes running up to you crying when you finally stumble home well after midnight and she asks where you've been and why you've suffered rectal tearing, simply say you were at Jimmy's house. If you don't have have a friend named Jimmy, tell her a doggy bit your bottom.
-Uncle KingLuscious
Let's play pretend for a minute ok?
Close your eyes kids. Imagine you're at your favorite playground. You and Becky just finished playing Doctor behind the slide. (And don't worry my young female readers, its ok to experiment with other girls by playing Doctor. Your mommy probably did it in college)
As you come out from behind the slide, you see an orange van parked a little ways down the street from the park. That van has been there all day and sometimes you see a man looking out the window. He's old and has a baseball cap and sunglasses on. He looks funny huh kids?
Well, you've finished with Becky and its time to move on. You start to leave the park. Your house is only 2 blocks away so your mother lets you walk to and from it alone. You live in a nice neighborhood where everybody knows everybody and everybody steals cable.
As you're walking, the van starts to roll very slowly behind you. You look over your shoulder and see the man looking at you. He drives a little faster and pulls up beside you, rolling along as you walk. He asks, "Hey kid, want a ride?"
Alright kids, this is where you have a choice to make.
You can either do what your mommy says, which is probably something like this: "If a stranger ever comes up to you, don't talk to him. Don't take anything from him. Immediately head to a trusted neighbor's house or find a police officer. If none of these things are near you, start screaming."
Seriously kids, does this sound fun? Of course not.
How does your mommy know what this man wants? She doesn't. She's probably a lying whore just like all the women this children's columnist has ever known.
Let me tell you something about strangers kids. They're nothing more than friends you haven't met yet.
This man in the van will probably offer you all sorts of good things if you get in his van. He probably has candy, comic books, video games, barbie dolls, anal beads, ponies, trust funds and Santa Clause all hidden in the back of his van or back in the basement of his dark house on the end of the cul de sac.
I say you get in the van. What's the worst that can happen? Death by overdose of fun. That's what!!!
Of course, fun doesn't come without a price though kids. Just ask your mommy about that one, she'll understand.
The stranger may ask for special favors from you. Don't be scared though. This man is giving lots of toys and candy, you have to expect he'll want something in return.
So here are a few simple rules that will ensure you know how to please any stranger you may meet:
- Whenever a stranger ask you to close your eyes,
do it. You'll probably end up somewhere really fun.
- Whenever a stranger asks you to open your
mouth, do it. You'll probably get something sweet
in your mouth and make sure you learn to suppress
your gag reflex.
- Strangers always have way way fun stuff in
their pockets, so don't even wait for them to ask
for you to start fishing around in there, just go
ahead and do it.
- If a stranger threatens you or your family, its
a joke.
- Always remember, your butt is stretchier than
you think.
- Strangers like parties. So whenever possible, invite your friends to come with you into stranger's vans. Little Becky will have just as much fun as you will.
Here's the most important thing you need to know though kids. So everyone get real close to the monitor so you can make sure you read it right.
It is OK to lie to your parents. They lie to you all the time, its only fair.
So, when your mommy comes running up to you crying when you finally stumble home well after midnight and she asks where you've been and why you've suffered rectal tearing, simply say you were at Jimmy's house. If you don't have have a friend named Jimmy, tell her a doggy bit your bottom.
-Uncle KingLuscious
|
Where do babies come from?
07/14/2006 |
Teachatorium
| Permalink
Hey boys and girls!
Have you ever asked your mommy or daddy where babies come from? I bet you have, and if I know grown ups, and I do, they lied to your naive pudgy faces.
I bet they said something like, "Well Jimmy, the stork brings a baby to a mommy and daddy who love each other very much.", or "Well Cindy, when a mommy loves a daddy's money very much, she will get the stork to bring a baby so the daddy will be forced to stay with the mommy and continue to pay for the lifestyle to which she has become accustom."
Like everything grown ups say to kids, these are both lies.
Brace yourself kids, I'm about to explain to you, in horrific detail, the process by which a drunken night out results in the pitter patter of little feet. Come along with me, won't you?
It all starts on a dark and stormy night. A man and a woman, not yet a daddy and a mommy, meet at a place called a bar. A bar, kids, is a place where grown ups can go to drink make believe juice which helps them pretend they are more important or attractive than they really are.
If the man buys enough make believe juice for the lady, they will both be able to pretend that going back to his place is a great idea.
Once they're back at the man's house, the real magic begins. (Kids, I suggest you now go into your parent's, or older brother's, room and look under their mattress. Chances are you'll find a magazine or some movies that will help illustrate the points I am about to make.)
Babies come from a special hug men and women do together when they're full of make believe juice or happy smoke or feel good pills or shame and pity.
This hug is done without any clothes on. It uses that thing between your legs.
This is the tricky part kids. I have to explain what that thing is.
Boys:
What you have there is called a penis. I'm sure you use it everyday. Its where your pee comes out. But, it also serves a darker and more disturbing purpose. When you get older and a pretty lady or your aunt touches it, it gets really scared, just like a possum, and stiffens up and plays dead, just like a possum. The only way to calm it down is to store it in a warm, moist place for anywhere between a few seconds to 1 minute. This will calm it down to the point where escape will cross its mind. Its only other defense mechanism is to throw up all over what- or whomever is keeping it prisoner. Its just like a dragon kids, but instead of spitting fire, it spits baby goo. I'll explain the significance of that in a little while.
Girls:
What you have between your legs is called a vagina. You probably use yours everyday as well. Your pee comes out down there too, but you have a special second hole where you can keep all your secrets. Like a diary. Unlike the boy's dragon, your hidey hole doesn't get scared when a boy touches it. Instead it gets sad. It starts to cry and everything gets all slickery down there. Gross huh kids? Well, the only way to dry it off is to put something dry in there, duh!! So, you have to put the boy's dragon in there to help dry the vagina tears.
So, this is what a man and a woman do together. I hear you kids, you're asking, so what, what does that have to do with where my stupid brother came from? Shut up you little snot and I'll tell you!!
When the dragon spits the baby goo inside of the lady's diary, something magical happens. The goo, which is actually millions of tiny animals, burrows deep inside the lady just like a gopher or hideous mole. Don't worry girls, this doesn't hurt. The animals are too small to hurt.
When one of the tiny animals makes it far enough into the lady, it finds an easter egg. But this egg isn't painted with pretty colors, its painted with responsibility and hatred. Yay!!
The tiny animal digs into the easter egg and when it makes it in, it explodes and sends its guts against the inside wall of the egg. The guts of the animal and the yolk of the egg get all tangled together just like when you play twister.
The egg, instead of being hidden behind a rock and containing a nice piece of candy, is hidden in the walls of the diary and contains a disgusting new life.
Over time, the egg gets bigger and bigger, like the cancer that killed your grandmother, and will eventually get so big that it falls out of the vagina. Don't worry girls, this isn't painful either. The doctors can put happy juice in your blood to make it all ok.
Then, the beautiful process of childbirth is done and you're left with a flattened, disgusting, pink and purple little drain on society. Beautiful, huh kids?
Well, next time your mommy or daddy tries to tell you a stork brings babies, you tell them to shut their filthy, lying holes and make them show you how to make the dragon spit or to dry the sad, sad vaginal tears.
Don't think its all fun and games though kids. There's lots that can go bad. Things like cooties, the dragon not being able to wake up and paternity suits.
Look for explanations of each of those, and more, in future installments of Uncle KL's Teachatorium!!!!!!!
-Uncle KingLuscious
Have you ever asked your mommy or daddy where babies come from? I bet you have, and if I know grown ups, and I do, they lied to your naive pudgy faces.
I bet they said something like, "Well Jimmy, the stork brings a baby to a mommy and daddy who love each other very much.", or "Well Cindy, when a mommy loves a daddy's money very much, she will get the stork to bring a baby so the daddy will be forced to stay with the mommy and continue to pay for the lifestyle to which she has become accustom."
Like everything grown ups say to kids, these are both lies.
Brace yourself kids, I'm about to explain to you, in horrific detail, the process by which a drunken night out results in the pitter patter of little feet. Come along with me, won't you?
It all starts on a dark and stormy night. A man and a woman, not yet a daddy and a mommy, meet at a place called a bar. A bar, kids, is a place where grown ups can go to drink make believe juice which helps them pretend they are more important or attractive than they really are.
If the man buys enough make believe juice for the lady, they will both be able to pretend that going back to his place is a great idea.
Once they're back at the man's house, the real magic begins. (Kids, I suggest you now go into your parent's, or older brother's, room and look under their mattress. Chances are you'll find a magazine or some movies that will help illustrate the points I am about to make.)
Babies come from a special hug men and women do together when they're full of make believe juice or happy smoke or feel good pills or shame and pity.
This hug is done without any clothes on. It uses that thing between your legs.
This is the tricky part kids. I have to explain what that thing is.
Boys:
What you have there is called a penis. I'm sure you use it everyday. Its where your pee comes out. But, it also serves a darker and more disturbing purpose. When you get older and a pretty lady or your aunt touches it, it gets really scared, just like a possum, and stiffens up and plays dead, just like a possum. The only way to calm it down is to store it in a warm, moist place for anywhere between a few seconds to 1 minute. This will calm it down to the point where escape will cross its mind. Its only other defense mechanism is to throw up all over what- or whomever is keeping it prisoner. Its just like a dragon kids, but instead of spitting fire, it spits baby goo. I'll explain the significance of that in a little while.
Girls:
What you have between your legs is called a vagina. You probably use yours everyday as well. Your pee comes out down there too, but you have a special second hole where you can keep all your secrets. Like a diary. Unlike the boy's dragon, your hidey hole doesn't get scared when a boy touches it. Instead it gets sad. It starts to cry and everything gets all slickery down there. Gross huh kids? Well, the only way to dry it off is to put something dry in there, duh!! So, you have to put the boy's dragon in there to help dry the vagina tears.
So, this is what a man and a woman do together. I hear you kids, you're asking, so what, what does that have to do with where my stupid brother came from? Shut up you little snot and I'll tell you!!
When the dragon spits the baby goo inside of the lady's diary, something magical happens. The goo, which is actually millions of tiny animals, burrows deep inside the lady just like a gopher or hideous mole. Don't worry girls, this doesn't hurt. The animals are too small to hurt.
When one of the tiny animals makes it far enough into the lady, it finds an easter egg. But this egg isn't painted with pretty colors, its painted with responsibility and hatred. Yay!!
The tiny animal digs into the easter egg and when it makes it in, it explodes and sends its guts against the inside wall of the egg. The guts of the animal and the yolk of the egg get all tangled together just like when you play twister.
The egg, instead of being hidden behind a rock and containing a nice piece of candy, is hidden in the walls of the diary and contains a disgusting new life.
Over time, the egg gets bigger and bigger, like the cancer that killed your grandmother, and will eventually get so big that it falls out of the vagina. Don't worry girls, this isn't painful either. The doctors can put happy juice in your blood to make it all ok.
Then, the beautiful process of childbirth is done and you're left with a flattened, disgusting, pink and purple little drain on society. Beautiful, huh kids?
Well, next time your mommy or daddy tries to tell you a stork brings babies, you tell them to shut their filthy, lying holes and make them show you how to make the dragon spit or to dry the sad, sad vaginal tears.
Don't think its all fun and games though kids. There's lots that can go bad. Things like cooties, the dragon not being able to wake up and paternity suits.
Look for explanations of each of those, and more, in future installments of Uncle KL's Teachatorium!!!!!!!
-Uncle KingLuscious
Candy Is Dandy
Hey kids, who loves candy? Nerds. Fun-Dip. Gummy
Savers. All those are great. But, you know what boys
and girls, I'm here to tell you about what may be the
best candy of all.
What do you do when you have something you don't want anyone else to have? Huh kids? That's right, you hide it. Grown ups do the same thing. And grown ups have a very special hiding place for their candy.
They hide it behind the mirror in the bathroom.
Pretty sneaky huh kids?
Well, all you have to do is climb onto the counter and put your tiny fingers behind the mirror and pull it open. If you're not strong enough to pull it open, find a pair of scissors or a knife to pry it open.
The best candy is in little orange bottles behind the mirror. Trust me kids, these bottles are very hard to open. Those mean old grown ups try to keep kids from getting at the candy. They're always trying to stop you from having fun. But good old uncle KingLuscious is here to help.
Push down on the top of the bottle while turning. That will let you get to the sweet treats hidden inside.
These candies don't have cool sounding names like the ones you cry for at the supermarket. The grown ups try to confuse you kids by giving their candy really long names that no one can pronounce. Here's a little trick though, just count the number of letters in the name. The more letters the name has, the sweeter the candy is.
Remember when I said these candies would be best of them all? Well, this is because the candy is not only sweet, but it makes you feel all funny. Imagine hearing colors and smelling sounds. That sounds fun doesn't it kids?
You bet your tiny smooth asses it sounds fun.
Here's one more tip from your sweet old uncle. If you get into the candy store behind the mirror and there isn't anything in there that makes you feel all tingly, even after you swallow 20 or 30 pieces, you can always look in your mommy's purse.
Mommy's like to hide good stuff there too.
When mommy puts you to bed, just pretend. Make fake snoring noises and fondle yourself gently, just like you do when you're really asleep. Then, after a few minutes, go back into your mommy's bedroom. She will have already eaten some candy from her purse and be drooling all over her nightshirt.
Open mommy's purse and start looking inside. Look for those same orange bottles from the candy cabinet in the bathroom. Although, sneaky mommy's might not keep the candy in their purse in those same kinds of orange bottles. So, open every bottle.
If the candy looks like this:
Its called Valium and its really good. Notice there's a "V" right there in the candy. Isn't that neat kids?
If it looks like this:
Its called Ecstasy. And look boys and girls, its got a happy face on it.
You know it has to be fun!!!!
-Uncle KingLuscious
What do you do when you have something you don't want anyone else to have? Huh kids? That's right, you hide it. Grown ups do the same thing. And grown ups have a very special hiding place for their candy.
They hide it behind the mirror in the bathroom.
Pretty sneaky huh kids?
Well, all you have to do is climb onto the counter and put your tiny fingers behind the mirror and pull it open. If you're not strong enough to pull it open, find a pair of scissors or a knife to pry it open.
The best candy is in little orange bottles behind the mirror. Trust me kids, these bottles are very hard to open. Those mean old grown ups try to keep kids from getting at the candy. They're always trying to stop you from having fun. But good old uncle KingLuscious is here to help.
Push down on the top of the bottle while turning. That will let you get to the sweet treats hidden inside.
These candies don't have cool sounding names like the ones you cry for at the supermarket. The grown ups try to confuse you kids by giving their candy really long names that no one can pronounce. Here's a little trick though, just count the number of letters in the name. The more letters the name has, the sweeter the candy is.
Remember when I said these candies would be best of them all? Well, this is because the candy is not only sweet, but it makes you feel all funny. Imagine hearing colors and smelling sounds. That sounds fun doesn't it kids?
You bet your tiny smooth asses it sounds fun.
Here's one more tip from your sweet old uncle. If you get into the candy store behind the mirror and there isn't anything in there that makes you feel all tingly, even after you swallow 20 or 30 pieces, you can always look in your mommy's purse.
Mommy's like to hide good stuff there too.
When mommy puts you to bed, just pretend. Make fake snoring noises and fondle yourself gently, just like you do when you're really asleep. Then, after a few minutes, go back into your mommy's bedroom. She will have already eaten some candy from her purse and be drooling all over her nightshirt.
Open mommy's purse and start looking inside. Look for those same orange bottles from the candy cabinet in the bathroom. Although, sneaky mommy's might not keep the candy in their purse in those same kinds of orange bottles. So, open every bottle.
If the candy looks like this:
Its called Valium and its really good. Notice there's a "V" right there in the candy. Isn't that neat kids?
If it looks like this:
Its called Ecstasy. And look boys and girls, its got a happy face on it.
You know it has to be fun!!!!
-Uncle KingLuscious
Hello Stranger
Welcome to the all new KL Kids Korner, or as I like
to call it, the KKK.
This will be the space where you young'uns can come to learn all about safety and fun. And the funness of safety. We'll cover everything from how to interact and please strangers to how to throw the most convincing, and therefore rewarding, tantrums this doomed world has ever seen.
I'll use this first post to introduce myself. I'm KingLuscious.
I have been failing to entertain your parents, aunts and uncles and molesters for over two years now. I have felt unfulfilled recently. My audience has been woefully unwilling to give me the unbridled praise I so richly deserve. So, I thought to myself, what audience can I win? What audience can I exploit? What audience will listen to me when I tell them that if they squeal on me to their parents I'll burn their tiny little genitals right off their body? Why, the children of course.
You, beautifully pure and innocent children, are our future. And I want in on it. So, check back in the future for what promises to be good, clean and mildly erotic fun!!!
This will be the space where you young'uns can come to learn all about safety and fun. And the funness of safety. We'll cover everything from how to interact and please strangers to how to throw the most convincing, and therefore rewarding, tantrums this doomed world has ever seen.
I'll use this first post to introduce myself. I'm KingLuscious.
I have been failing to entertain your parents, aunts and uncles and molesters for over two years now. I have felt unfulfilled recently. My audience has been woefully unwilling to give me the unbridled praise I so richly deserve. So, I thought to myself, what audience can I win? What audience can I exploit? What audience will listen to me when I tell them that if they squeal on me to their parents I'll burn their tiny little genitals right off their body? Why, the children of course.
You, beautifully pure and innocent children, are our future. And I want in on it. So, check back in the future for what promises to be good, clean and mildly erotic fun!!!