Aug 2006
Why Did Daddy Leave?
08/14/2006 |
Teachatorium
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You wake up on Sunday morning and pad downstairs in
your footie pajamas. You take your familiar seat at
the table and Mommy pours a big heaping bowl of
Fruity Pebbles and you eat it noisily.
Its a familiar scene, but what's this? Something is wrong. The chair where Daddy normally sits is empty. And on fire.
Where did Daddy go?
Well kids, I hate to say this, but sometimes Daddies (or Mommies, but poo on that, I'm not writing two articles for this) have to go away. There are several reasons why Daddy might have left, and most, if not all, are probably your fault kids.
You see, before you came along, your parents were happy. They had the freedom to come and go as they pleased. If they wanted to go to Vegas for some grown up fun, they just booked the plane and hotel and were off. Then, when you came along, they started having to worry about finding a babysitter or dealing with a whiny little brat (that's you kids
) on a plane.
So, with pressures like you, its a wonder why Daddy stayed as long as he did.
Here are some reasons Daddy may have left:
Sometimes Daddy's come back. But yours won't. He told me he hates you.
-Uncle Kingluscious
Its a familiar scene, but what's this? Something is wrong. The chair where Daddy normally sits is empty. And on fire.
Where did Daddy go?
Well kids, I hate to say this, but sometimes Daddies (or Mommies, but poo on that, I'm not writing two articles for this) have to go away. There are several reasons why Daddy might have left, and most, if not all, are probably your fault kids.
You see, before you came along, your parents were happy. They had the freedom to come and go as they pleased. If they wanted to go to Vegas for some grown up fun, they just booked the plane and hotel and were off. Then, when you came along, they started having to worry about finding a babysitter or dealing with a whiny little brat (that's you kids
) on a plane.
So, with pressures like you, its a wonder why Daddy stayed as long as he did.
Here are some reasons Daddy may have left:
- Look at your Mommy. Now, look at any of the
ladies on the television. See how your Mommy's milk
makers hang way low compared to the ones on t.v.?
Well, Daddies don't normally like hangy boobies.
So, Daddy found a new Mommy whose boobies are perky
and still filled with the vitality of youth.
- Your Daddy didn't want you. This happens a lot.
See, when you started to grow in Mommy's belly,
Daddy told Mommy to go to a special doctor who
could suck you out and use your miraculous cells to
cure cancer and redneckism, but Mommy didn't want
to have to get a job and work for herself. So she
blackmailed Daddy into marrying her with threats of
high child support payments. So, when you were old
enough, Daddy resented you and Mommy so much he had
change his name and move across the country.
- Just like the one before this one, Daddy didn't
want you. But, instead of changing his name and
moving across the country, he hated you and Mommy
so much he had to go to Heaven. Don't look in the
basement if it smells funny down there.
- Of course, its not always Daddy who decides to
leave. Sometimes Mommies make Daddies leave. Like
last Thursday night, remember? Mommy came home from
work early and Daddy's secret friend Lisa was still
playing hide and seek with Daddy. She walked into
the bedroom and she screamed and said words like:
slut, asshole, kill, murder, castrate, harlot,
tramp and whore. Then, the next morning, you and
Mommy drove out to the river and Mommy threw
something big and dripping into the water. That was
Daddy.
Sometimes Daddy's come back. But yours won't. He told me he hates you.
-Uncle Kingluscious
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