Sep 2006
Changes
09/19/2006 |
Teachatorium
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Hello kids. Its your good old Uncle Kingluscious
here. Sorry to have been away for so long, but I had
a little trouble with the police. Don't worry though
kids, I'm back now and they'll never make the charges
stick. That little girl had rectal tearing before I
ever went near her. I have the pictures to prove it.
Anyway, in today's Teachatorium segment we're going to talk about some of the changes you can expect to take place with your body in the future. These changes will give you the ability to attract members of the opposite sex and to have children of your own someday.
These changes are called puberty.
Puberty attacks boys and girls in a lot of the same ways, but there are a few key differences we need to be concerned about. The common things are a lengthening of the vocal chords and that makes your voice deeper. There's also the growth of pubic hair. Those are the little hairs that grow near your naughty bits and you sometimes find on your toothbrush after your uncle stays at your house for a weekend. Plus there are some more changes that are too boring to go into here.
However, there are some very interesting and disgusting changes that take place as well.
First the boys.
Puberty, aside from your vocal chords and underarms, likes to focus primarily on the penis and surrounding area. Just like a priest. (topical humor kids, ask your mommy)
The things puberty does to a child's penis are the same things I got sent to therapy for doing. But its ok if puberty's doing it.
First thing you'll notice are the erections. This is when the penis is engorged with blood and grows to nearly 4 inches, if mine is any indicator. Now, you may be thinking what the heck am I going to do with something that giant in my pants? Well, the answer is simple: put it in things. That's right kids, the penis is actually designed to put inside other things. Some of the things you could put it in: your hand, your mouth (if you're bendy), someone else's hand or mouth, a sock, a jacket sleeve, a large metal clamp of some kind and many more.
The important thing to remember about sticking your penis into things is to make sure you rub it back and forth very quickly. This will cause what is referred to as an orgasm. An orgasm is difficult to explain kids. Imagine the feeling you'd get if you met all your heroes. Superman, Batman, Spider-Man, Uncle Kingluscious and Barney. Now, imagine they all gave you blowjobs. That's what an orgasm feels like.
Sometimes you'll have what are known as nocturnal emissions, or "wet dreams". These occur when you get visited by the erection fairy in your sleep. She doesn't have a magic wand, so she has to use yours. The result of which is a bit of goo, not unlike Nickelodeon Gak, escaping your body. This goo is useless to you. Do not under any circumstances save it in a jar in the fridge with a Hellman's mayonnaise label applied to the front.
The most despicable thing puberty does to you boys is to make you look at girls in an all new way. Instead of the cootie having, flower picking, doll loving icky weirdoes they had been until this point, they are now curvy, moist, soft rejection machines bent on depriving you of any happiness you may have once sought.
How does this come about? Well, for that we have to take a look at what happens to girls during puberty.
Girls don't have penises. They have vaginas. Not a lot changes on the outside of a girl's vagina during puberty. Instead she has all sorts of wacky hijinks going on inside. Ancient and dormant cycles begin coming to life within a girl. The archaic gears of child rearing and dish washing begin to assert themselves for control over the girl's body and mind.
Eggs are inside of girls. Gross huh? Well, its true. Really tiny eggs. During puberty they begin to escape from their internal prisons and make a mad dash for the only exit. There is a great struggle as the internal guard attempt to arrest the fleeing egg. As a result, there are grievous injuries sustained by the girls internal bits. This will cause bleeding. From the hoo-ha.
Escape attempts are usually very well coordinated and happen once per month. Good luck with that girls.
Another thing that happens to girls during puberty is more noticeable on the outside. They develop breasts.
Breasts are fatty deposits around the mammary gland. The mammary gland is there to provide milk for children when, and if, they are ever born. This disgustingly biological function is eclipsed by the breast's other function. It is designed to lure men into a woman's trap. If women had but one breast, perhaps men would be able to ward off their sultry charms, but alas, like so many other things women do, they went and overdid this.
There is a curious consequence of the intricate mixture of chemicals released to help stymie the egg's escape as well as to make the nipple of the breast protrude in just the right way that causes women to be, pardon the term my young impressionable readers, batshit crazy. It causes a curious change in a girl's attitude.
Before puberty, girls are very personable. They will gladly take a ride in my van for no more reward than a lollipop and a dire warning not to tell anyone what happened while they were in there. But, after puberty, after the breasts and the unruly eggs. Girls will not get into my van no matter what I offer them.
So boys and girls, as you can see, it will be very difficult and soul crushing for you in the future. The physical awkwardness and the social and psychological trauma puberty wreaks onto its victims is just one in the very long line of injustices you can expect to suffer at the hands of this hell bitch we call life.
If I were you kids, I'd go ahead and end it all now. For god's sake, look at your parents. Do you want to end up like them?
I didn't think so. Tune in next week when our topic will be "Ending it all. How and when."
-Uncle Kingluscious
Anyway, in today's Teachatorium segment we're going to talk about some of the changes you can expect to take place with your body in the future. These changes will give you the ability to attract members of the opposite sex and to have children of your own someday.
These changes are called puberty.
Puberty attacks boys and girls in a lot of the same ways, but there are a few key differences we need to be concerned about. The common things are a lengthening of the vocal chords and that makes your voice deeper. There's also the growth of pubic hair. Those are the little hairs that grow near your naughty bits and you sometimes find on your toothbrush after your uncle stays at your house for a weekend. Plus there are some more changes that are too boring to go into here.
However, there are some very interesting and disgusting changes that take place as well.
First the boys.
Puberty, aside from your vocal chords and underarms, likes to focus primarily on the penis and surrounding area. Just like a priest. (topical humor kids, ask your mommy)
The things puberty does to a child's penis are the same things I got sent to therapy for doing. But its ok if puberty's doing it.
First thing you'll notice are the erections. This is when the penis is engorged with blood and grows to nearly 4 inches, if mine is any indicator. Now, you may be thinking what the heck am I going to do with something that giant in my pants? Well, the answer is simple: put it in things. That's right kids, the penis is actually designed to put inside other things. Some of the things you could put it in: your hand, your mouth (if you're bendy), someone else's hand or mouth, a sock, a jacket sleeve, a large metal clamp of some kind and many more.
The important thing to remember about sticking your penis into things is to make sure you rub it back and forth very quickly. This will cause what is referred to as an orgasm. An orgasm is difficult to explain kids. Imagine the feeling you'd get if you met all your heroes. Superman, Batman, Spider-Man, Uncle Kingluscious and Barney. Now, imagine they all gave you blowjobs. That's what an orgasm feels like.
Sometimes you'll have what are known as nocturnal emissions, or "wet dreams". These occur when you get visited by the erection fairy in your sleep. She doesn't have a magic wand, so she has to use yours. The result of which is a bit of goo, not unlike Nickelodeon Gak, escaping your body. This goo is useless to you. Do not under any circumstances save it in a jar in the fridge with a Hellman's mayonnaise label applied to the front.
The most despicable thing puberty does to you boys is to make you look at girls in an all new way. Instead of the cootie having, flower picking, doll loving icky weirdoes they had been until this point, they are now curvy, moist, soft rejection machines bent on depriving you of any happiness you may have once sought.
How does this come about? Well, for that we have to take a look at what happens to girls during puberty.
Girls don't have penises. They have vaginas. Not a lot changes on the outside of a girl's vagina during puberty. Instead she has all sorts of wacky hijinks going on inside. Ancient and dormant cycles begin coming to life within a girl. The archaic gears of child rearing and dish washing begin to assert themselves for control over the girl's body and mind.
Eggs are inside of girls. Gross huh? Well, its true. Really tiny eggs. During puberty they begin to escape from their internal prisons and make a mad dash for the only exit. There is a great struggle as the internal guard attempt to arrest the fleeing egg. As a result, there are grievous injuries sustained by the girls internal bits. This will cause bleeding. From the hoo-ha.
Escape attempts are usually very well coordinated and happen once per month. Good luck with that girls.
Another thing that happens to girls during puberty is more noticeable on the outside. They develop breasts.
Breasts are fatty deposits around the mammary gland. The mammary gland is there to provide milk for children when, and if, they are ever born. This disgustingly biological function is eclipsed by the breast's other function. It is designed to lure men into a woman's trap. If women had but one breast, perhaps men would be able to ward off their sultry charms, but alas, like so many other things women do, they went and overdid this.
There is a curious consequence of the intricate mixture of chemicals released to help stymie the egg's escape as well as to make the nipple of the breast protrude in just the right way that causes women to be, pardon the term my young impressionable readers, batshit crazy. It causes a curious change in a girl's attitude.
Before puberty, girls are very personable. They will gladly take a ride in my van for no more reward than a lollipop and a dire warning not to tell anyone what happened while they were in there. But, after puberty, after the breasts and the unruly eggs. Girls will not get into my van no matter what I offer them.
So boys and girls, as you can see, it will be very difficult and soul crushing for you in the future. The physical awkwardness and the social and psychological trauma puberty wreaks onto its victims is just one in the very long line of injustices you can expect to suffer at the hands of this hell bitch we call life.
If I were you kids, I'd go ahead and end it all now. For god's sake, look at your parents. Do you want to end up like them?
I didn't think so. Tune in next week when our topic will be "Ending it all. How and when."
-Uncle Kingluscious
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