Strangers
How To Please A Stranger.
07/20/2006 |
Permalink
Hey Kids, its me, Uncle Kingluscious, back again with
some helpful tips.
Let's play pretend for a minute ok?
Close your eyes kids. Imagine you're at your favorite playground. You and Becky just finished playing Doctor behind the slide. (And don't worry my young female readers, its ok to experiment with other girls by playing Doctor. Your mommy probably did it in college)
As you come out from behind the slide, you see an orange van parked a little ways down the street from the park. That van has been there all day and sometimes you see a man looking out the window. He's old and has a baseball cap and sunglasses on. He looks funny huh kids?
Well, you've finished with Becky and its time to move on. You start to leave the park. Your house is only 2 blocks away so your mother lets you walk to and from it alone. You live in a nice neighborhood where everybody knows everybody and everybody steals cable.
As you're walking, the van starts to roll very slowly behind you. You look over your shoulder and see the man looking at you. He drives a little faster and pulls up beside you, rolling along as you walk. He asks, "Hey kid, want a ride?"
Alright kids, this is where you have a choice to make.
You can either do what your mommy says, which is probably something like this: "If a stranger ever comes up to you, don't talk to him. Don't take anything from him. Immediately head to a trusted neighbor's house or find a police officer. If none of these things are near you, start screaming."
Seriously kids, does this sound fun? Of course not.
How does your mommy know what this man wants? She doesn't. She's probably a lying whore just like all the women this children's columnist has ever known.
Let me tell you something about strangers kids. They're nothing more than friends you haven't met yet.
This man in the van will probably offer you all sorts of good things if you get in his van. He probably has candy, comic books, video games, barbie dolls, anal beads, ponies, trust funds and Santa Clause all hidden in the back of his van or back in the basement of his dark house on the end of the cul de sac.
I say you get in the van. What's the worst that can happen? Death by overdose of fun. That's what!!!
Of course, fun doesn't come without a price though kids. Just ask your mommy about that one, she'll understand.
The stranger may ask for special favors from you. Don't be scared though. This man is giving lots of toys and candy, you have to expect he'll want something in return.
So here are a few simple rules that will ensure you know how to please any stranger you may meet:
Here's the most important thing you need to know though kids. So everyone get real close to the monitor so you can make sure you read it right.
It is OK to lie to your parents. They lie to you all the time, its only fair.
So, when your mommy comes running up to you crying when you finally stumble home well after midnight and she asks where you've been and why you've suffered rectal tearing, simply say you were at Jimmy's house. If you don't have have a friend named Jimmy, tell her a doggy bit your bottom.
-Uncle KingLuscious
Let's play pretend for a minute ok?
Close your eyes kids. Imagine you're at your favorite playground. You and Becky just finished playing Doctor behind the slide. (And don't worry my young female readers, its ok to experiment with other girls by playing Doctor. Your mommy probably did it in college)
As you come out from behind the slide, you see an orange van parked a little ways down the street from the park. That van has been there all day and sometimes you see a man looking out the window. He's old and has a baseball cap and sunglasses on. He looks funny huh kids?
Well, you've finished with Becky and its time to move on. You start to leave the park. Your house is only 2 blocks away so your mother lets you walk to and from it alone. You live in a nice neighborhood where everybody knows everybody and everybody steals cable.
As you're walking, the van starts to roll very slowly behind you. You look over your shoulder and see the man looking at you. He drives a little faster and pulls up beside you, rolling along as you walk. He asks, "Hey kid, want a ride?"
Alright kids, this is where you have a choice to make.
You can either do what your mommy says, which is probably something like this: "If a stranger ever comes up to you, don't talk to him. Don't take anything from him. Immediately head to a trusted neighbor's house or find a police officer. If none of these things are near you, start screaming."
Seriously kids, does this sound fun? Of course not.
How does your mommy know what this man wants? She doesn't. She's probably a lying whore just like all the women this children's columnist has ever known.
Let me tell you something about strangers kids. They're nothing more than friends you haven't met yet.
This man in the van will probably offer you all sorts of good things if you get in his van. He probably has candy, comic books, video games, barbie dolls, anal beads, ponies, trust funds and Santa Clause all hidden in the back of his van or back in the basement of his dark house on the end of the cul de sac.
I say you get in the van. What's the worst that can happen? Death by overdose of fun. That's what!!!
Of course, fun doesn't come without a price though kids. Just ask your mommy about that one, she'll understand.
The stranger may ask for special favors from you. Don't be scared though. This man is giving lots of toys and candy, you have to expect he'll want something in return.
So here are a few simple rules that will ensure you know how to please any stranger you may meet:
- Whenever a stranger ask you to close your eyes,
do it. You'll probably end up somewhere really fun.
- Whenever a stranger asks you to open your
mouth, do it. You'll probably get something sweet
in your mouth and make sure you learn to suppress
your gag reflex.
- Strangers always have way way fun stuff in
their pockets, so don't even wait for them to ask
for you to start fishing around in there, just go
ahead and do it.
- If a stranger threatens you or your family, its
a joke.
- Always remember, your butt is stretchier than
you think.
- Strangers like parties. So whenever possible, invite your friends to come with you into stranger's vans. Little Becky will have just as much fun as you will.
Here's the most important thing you need to know though kids. So everyone get real close to the monitor so you can make sure you read it right.
It is OK to lie to your parents. They lie to you all the time, its only fair.
So, when your mommy comes running up to you crying when you finally stumble home well after midnight and she asks where you've been and why you've suffered rectal tearing, simply say you were at Jimmy's house. If you don't have have a friend named Jimmy, tell her a doggy bit your bottom.
-Uncle KingLuscious
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Hello Stranger
07/11/2006 |
Permalink
Welcome to the all new KL Kids Korner, or as I like
to call it, the KKK.
This will be the space where you young'uns can come to learn all about safety and fun. And the funness of safety. We'll cover everything from how to interact and please strangers to how to throw the most convincing, and therefore rewarding, tantrums this doomed world has ever seen.
I'll use this first post to introduce myself. I'm KingLuscious.
I have been failing to entertain your parents, aunts and uncles and molesters for over two years now. I have felt unfulfilled recently. My audience has been woefully unwilling to give me the unbridled praise I so richly deserve. So, I thought to myself, what audience can I win? What audience can I exploit? What audience will listen to me when I tell them that if they squeal on me to their parents I'll burn their tiny little genitals right off their body? Why, the children of course.
You, beautifully pure and innocent children, are our future. And I want in on it. So, check back in the future for what promises to be good, clean and mildly erotic fun!!!
This will be the space where you young'uns can come to learn all about safety and fun. And the funness of safety. We'll cover everything from how to interact and please strangers to how to throw the most convincing, and therefore rewarding, tantrums this doomed world has ever seen.
I'll use this first post to introduce myself. I'm KingLuscious.
I have been failing to entertain your parents, aunts and uncles and molesters for over two years now. I have felt unfulfilled recently. My audience has been woefully unwilling to give me the unbridled praise I so richly deserve. So, I thought to myself, what audience can I win? What audience can I exploit? What audience will listen to me when I tell them that if they squeal on me to their parents I'll burn their tiny little genitals right off their body? Why, the children of course.
You, beautifully pure and innocent children, are our future. And I want in on it. So, check back in the future for what promises to be good, clean and mildly erotic fun!!!