Teachatorium
Keepin' Down The Urges.
05/06/2007 |
Permalink
Have you ever played doctor with your friends? Of
course you have, I've watched you. But what I watch
and record for my own personal enjoyment without your
knowledge isn't the focus of this message. The focus
is, however, the way you feel when you play doctor.
Which, based on your facial expressions, which I've
studied closely, is the same way I feel while
watching you play doctor.
What you may not know kids, is that playing doctor, especially in full view of an uncle, is not appropriate behavior according to law enforcement and mental health professionals. What these "professionals" don't understand is that these urges aren't a bad thing. And in my case, aren't even controllable.
So, what you have to do as responsible young children is to pretend you don't have them. If you feel like you might want to play doctor with that new boy down the street with the strawberry blond hair and soul piercing blue eyes, you should immediately come to me and tell me all the things you want to do to him. Tell me very slowly and don't leave out any of the details. This way, you'll realize it's probably not something you really want to do. I'll even record you telling me about it and if you feel like you may want to do it at some later date, you can come over to my place and we can turn the lights down low and watch it together. In robes.
That's good for the short term. But to become a fully functional and well adjusted adult, like me, you're going to need some pretty strong coping mechanisms. First of all, realize that you cannot deny the natural urges you feel in your heart and crotch. Those are the yearnings that separate us from the animals. You have to learn to embrace them, but only in private.
So, whenever you feel an urge to do something unimaginably erotic with a young and bendy friend, go to your room, turn the lights down really low and make sure you are all alone with absolutely no adults anywhere around. Then, walk slowly and sensuously to your window and open it because I'll be in the bushes outside. Just waiting and watching.
We can share a beautiful series of moments together. A private and secret series of moments. So private, in fact, that you can't tell anyone about it. Ever.
-Uncle KingLuscious
What you may not know kids, is that playing doctor, especially in full view of an uncle, is not appropriate behavior according to law enforcement and mental health professionals. What these "professionals" don't understand is that these urges aren't a bad thing. And in my case, aren't even controllable.
So, what you have to do as responsible young children is to pretend you don't have them. If you feel like you might want to play doctor with that new boy down the street with the strawberry blond hair and soul piercing blue eyes, you should immediately come to me and tell me all the things you want to do to him. Tell me very slowly and don't leave out any of the details. This way, you'll realize it's probably not something you really want to do. I'll even record you telling me about it and if you feel like you may want to do it at some later date, you can come over to my place and we can turn the lights down low and watch it together. In robes.
That's good for the short term. But to become a fully functional and well adjusted adult, like me, you're going to need some pretty strong coping mechanisms. First of all, realize that you cannot deny the natural urges you feel in your heart and crotch. Those are the yearnings that separate us from the animals. You have to learn to embrace them, but only in private.
So, whenever you feel an urge to do something unimaginably erotic with a young and bendy friend, go to your room, turn the lights down really low and make sure you are all alone with absolutely no adults anywhere around. Then, walk slowly and sensuously to your window and open it because I'll be in the bushes outside. Just waiting and watching.
We can share a beautiful series of moments together. A private and secret series of moments. So private, in fact, that you can't tell anyone about it. Ever.
-Uncle KingLuscious
|
Changes
09/19/2006 |
Permalink
Hello kids. Its your good old Uncle Kingluscious
here. Sorry to have been away for so long, but I had
a little trouble with the police. Don't worry though
kids, I'm back now and they'll never make the charges
stick. That little girl had rectal tearing before I
ever went near her. I have the pictures to prove it.
Anyway, in today's Teachatorium segment we're going to talk about some of the changes you can expect to take place with your body in the future. These changes will give you the ability to attract members of the opposite sex and to have children of your own someday.
These changes are called puberty.
Puberty attacks boys and girls in a lot of the same ways, but there are a few key differences we need to be concerned about. The common things are a lengthening of the vocal chords and that makes your voice deeper. There's also the growth of pubic hair. Those are the little hairs that grow near your naughty bits and you sometimes find on your toothbrush after your uncle stays at your house for a weekend. Plus there are some more changes that are too boring to go into here.
However, there are some very interesting and disgusting changes that take place as well.
First the boys.
Puberty, aside from your vocal chords and underarms, likes to focus primarily on the penis and surrounding area. Just like a priest. (topical humor kids, ask your mommy)
The things puberty does to a child's penis are the same things I got sent to therapy for doing. But its ok if puberty's doing it.
First thing you'll notice are the erections. This is when the penis is engorged with blood and grows to nearly 4 inches, if mine is any indicator. Now, you may be thinking what the heck am I going to do with something that giant in my pants? Well, the answer is simple: put it in things. That's right kids, the penis is actually designed to put inside other things. Some of the things you could put it in: your hand, your mouth (if you're bendy), someone else's hand or mouth, a sock, a jacket sleeve, a large metal clamp of some kind and many more.
The important thing to remember about sticking your penis into things is to make sure you rub it back and forth very quickly. This will cause what is referred to as an orgasm. An orgasm is difficult to explain kids. Imagine the feeling you'd get if you met all your heroes. Superman, Batman, Spider-Man, Uncle Kingluscious and Barney. Now, imagine they all gave you blowjobs. That's what an orgasm feels like.
Sometimes you'll have what are known as nocturnal emissions, or "wet dreams". These occur when you get visited by the erection fairy in your sleep. She doesn't have a magic wand, so she has to use yours. The result of which is a bit of goo, not unlike Nickelodeon Gak, escaping your body. This goo is useless to you. Do not under any circumstances save it in a jar in the fridge with a Hellman's mayonnaise label applied to the front.
The most despicable thing puberty does to you boys is to make you look at girls in an all new way. Instead of the cootie having, flower picking, doll loving icky weirdoes they had been until this point, they are now curvy, moist, soft rejection machines bent on depriving you of any happiness you may have once sought.
How does this come about? Well, for that we have to take a look at what happens to girls during puberty.
Girls don't have penises. They have vaginas. Not a lot changes on the outside of a girl's vagina during puberty. Instead she has all sorts of wacky hijinks going on inside. Ancient and dormant cycles begin coming to life within a girl. The archaic gears of child rearing and dish washing begin to assert themselves for control over the girl's body and mind.
Eggs are inside of girls. Gross huh? Well, its true. Really tiny eggs. During puberty they begin to escape from their internal prisons and make a mad dash for the only exit. There is a great struggle as the internal guard attempt to arrest the fleeing egg. As a result, there are grievous injuries sustained by the girls internal bits. This will cause bleeding. From the hoo-ha.
Escape attempts are usually very well coordinated and happen once per month. Good luck with that girls.
Another thing that happens to girls during puberty is more noticeable on the outside. They develop breasts.
Breasts are fatty deposits around the mammary gland. The mammary gland is there to provide milk for children when, and if, they are ever born. This disgustingly biological function is eclipsed by the breast's other function. It is designed to lure men into a woman's trap. If women had but one breast, perhaps men would be able to ward off their sultry charms, but alas, like so many other things women do, they went and overdid this.
There is a curious consequence of the intricate mixture of chemicals released to help stymie the egg's escape as well as to make the nipple of the breast protrude in just the right way that causes women to be, pardon the term my young impressionable readers, batshit crazy. It causes a curious change in a girl's attitude.
Before puberty, girls are very personable. They will gladly take a ride in my van for no more reward than a lollipop and a dire warning not to tell anyone what happened while they were in there. But, after puberty, after the breasts and the unruly eggs. Girls will not get into my van no matter what I offer them.
So boys and girls, as you can see, it will be very difficult and soul crushing for you in the future. The physical awkwardness and the social and psychological trauma puberty wreaks onto its victims is just one in the very long line of injustices you can expect to suffer at the hands of this hell bitch we call life.
If I were you kids, I'd go ahead and end it all now. For god's sake, look at your parents. Do you want to end up like them?
I didn't think so. Tune in next week when our topic will be "Ending it all. How and when."
-Uncle Kingluscious
Anyway, in today's Teachatorium segment we're going to talk about some of the changes you can expect to take place with your body in the future. These changes will give you the ability to attract members of the opposite sex and to have children of your own someday.
These changes are called puberty.
Puberty attacks boys and girls in a lot of the same ways, but there are a few key differences we need to be concerned about. The common things are a lengthening of the vocal chords and that makes your voice deeper. There's also the growth of pubic hair. Those are the little hairs that grow near your naughty bits and you sometimes find on your toothbrush after your uncle stays at your house for a weekend. Plus there are some more changes that are too boring to go into here.
However, there are some very interesting and disgusting changes that take place as well.
First the boys.
Puberty, aside from your vocal chords and underarms, likes to focus primarily on the penis and surrounding area. Just like a priest. (topical humor kids, ask your mommy)
The things puberty does to a child's penis are the same things I got sent to therapy for doing. But its ok if puberty's doing it.
First thing you'll notice are the erections. This is when the penis is engorged with blood and grows to nearly 4 inches, if mine is any indicator. Now, you may be thinking what the heck am I going to do with something that giant in my pants? Well, the answer is simple: put it in things. That's right kids, the penis is actually designed to put inside other things. Some of the things you could put it in: your hand, your mouth (if you're bendy), someone else's hand or mouth, a sock, a jacket sleeve, a large metal clamp of some kind and many more.
The important thing to remember about sticking your penis into things is to make sure you rub it back and forth very quickly. This will cause what is referred to as an orgasm. An orgasm is difficult to explain kids. Imagine the feeling you'd get if you met all your heroes. Superman, Batman, Spider-Man, Uncle Kingluscious and Barney. Now, imagine they all gave you blowjobs. That's what an orgasm feels like.
Sometimes you'll have what are known as nocturnal emissions, or "wet dreams". These occur when you get visited by the erection fairy in your sleep. She doesn't have a magic wand, so she has to use yours. The result of which is a bit of goo, not unlike Nickelodeon Gak, escaping your body. This goo is useless to you. Do not under any circumstances save it in a jar in the fridge with a Hellman's mayonnaise label applied to the front.
The most despicable thing puberty does to you boys is to make you look at girls in an all new way. Instead of the cootie having, flower picking, doll loving icky weirdoes they had been until this point, they are now curvy, moist, soft rejection machines bent on depriving you of any happiness you may have once sought.
How does this come about? Well, for that we have to take a look at what happens to girls during puberty.
Girls don't have penises. They have vaginas. Not a lot changes on the outside of a girl's vagina during puberty. Instead she has all sorts of wacky hijinks going on inside. Ancient and dormant cycles begin coming to life within a girl. The archaic gears of child rearing and dish washing begin to assert themselves for control over the girl's body and mind.
Eggs are inside of girls. Gross huh? Well, its true. Really tiny eggs. During puberty they begin to escape from their internal prisons and make a mad dash for the only exit. There is a great struggle as the internal guard attempt to arrest the fleeing egg. As a result, there are grievous injuries sustained by the girls internal bits. This will cause bleeding. From the hoo-ha.
Escape attempts are usually very well coordinated and happen once per month. Good luck with that girls.
Another thing that happens to girls during puberty is more noticeable on the outside. They develop breasts.
Breasts are fatty deposits around the mammary gland. The mammary gland is there to provide milk for children when, and if, they are ever born. This disgustingly biological function is eclipsed by the breast's other function. It is designed to lure men into a woman's trap. If women had but one breast, perhaps men would be able to ward off their sultry charms, but alas, like so many other things women do, they went and overdid this.
There is a curious consequence of the intricate mixture of chemicals released to help stymie the egg's escape as well as to make the nipple of the breast protrude in just the right way that causes women to be, pardon the term my young impressionable readers, batshit crazy. It causes a curious change in a girl's attitude.
Before puberty, girls are very personable. They will gladly take a ride in my van for no more reward than a lollipop and a dire warning not to tell anyone what happened while they were in there. But, after puberty, after the breasts and the unruly eggs. Girls will not get into my van no matter what I offer them.
So boys and girls, as you can see, it will be very difficult and soul crushing for you in the future. The physical awkwardness and the social and psychological trauma puberty wreaks onto its victims is just one in the very long line of injustices you can expect to suffer at the hands of this hell bitch we call life.
If I were you kids, I'd go ahead and end it all now. For god's sake, look at your parents. Do you want to end up like them?
I didn't think so. Tune in next week when our topic will be "Ending it all. How and when."
-Uncle Kingluscious
Why Did Daddy Leave?
08/14/2006 |
Permalink
You wake up on Sunday morning and pad downstairs in
your footie pajamas. You take your familiar seat at
the table and Mommy pours a big heaping bowl of
Fruity Pebbles and you eat it noisily.
Its a familiar scene, but what's this? Something is wrong. The chair where Daddy normally sits is empty. And on fire.
Where did Daddy go?
Well kids, I hate to say this, but sometimes Daddies (or Mommies, but poo on that, I'm not writing two articles for this) have to go away. There are several reasons why Daddy might have left, and most, if not all, are probably your fault kids.
You see, before you came along, your parents were happy. They had the freedom to come and go as they pleased. If they wanted to go to Vegas for some grown up fun, they just booked the plane and hotel and were off. Then, when you came along, they started having to worry about finding a babysitter or dealing with a whiny little brat (that's you kids
) on a plane.
So, with pressures like you, its a wonder why Daddy stayed as long as he did.
Here are some reasons Daddy may have left:
Sometimes Daddy's come back. But yours won't. He told me he hates you.
-Uncle Kingluscious
Its a familiar scene, but what's this? Something is wrong. The chair where Daddy normally sits is empty. And on fire.
Where did Daddy go?
Well kids, I hate to say this, but sometimes Daddies (or Mommies, but poo on that, I'm not writing two articles for this) have to go away. There are several reasons why Daddy might have left, and most, if not all, are probably your fault kids.
You see, before you came along, your parents were happy. They had the freedom to come and go as they pleased. If they wanted to go to Vegas for some grown up fun, they just booked the plane and hotel and were off. Then, when you came along, they started having to worry about finding a babysitter or dealing with a whiny little brat (that's you kids
) on a plane.
So, with pressures like you, its a wonder why Daddy stayed as long as he did.
Here are some reasons Daddy may have left:
- Look at your Mommy. Now, look at any of the
ladies on the television. See how your Mommy's milk
makers hang way low compared to the ones on t.v.?
Well, Daddies don't normally like hangy boobies.
So, Daddy found a new Mommy whose boobies are perky
and still filled with the vitality of youth.
- Your Daddy didn't want you. This happens a lot.
See, when you started to grow in Mommy's belly,
Daddy told Mommy to go to a special doctor who
could suck you out and use your miraculous cells to
cure cancer and redneckism, but Mommy didn't want
to have to get a job and work for herself. So she
blackmailed Daddy into marrying her with threats of
high child support payments. So, when you were old
enough, Daddy resented you and Mommy so much he had
change his name and move across the country.
- Just like the one before this one, Daddy didn't
want you. But, instead of changing his name and
moving across the country, he hated you and Mommy
so much he had to go to Heaven. Don't look in the
basement if it smells funny down there.
- Of course, its not always Daddy who decides to
leave. Sometimes Mommies make Daddies leave. Like
last Thursday night, remember? Mommy came home from
work early and Daddy's secret friend Lisa was still
playing hide and seek with Daddy. She walked into
the bedroom and she screamed and said words like:
slut, asshole, kill, murder, castrate, harlot,
tramp and whore. Then, the next morning, you and
Mommy drove out to the river and Mommy threw
something big and dripping into the water. That was
Daddy.
Sometimes Daddy's come back. But yours won't. He told me he hates you.
-Uncle Kingluscious
Where do babies come from?
07/14/2006 |
Permalink
Hey boys and girls!
Have you ever asked your mommy or daddy where babies come from? I bet you have, and if I know grown ups, and I do, they lied to your naive pudgy faces.
I bet they said something like, "Well Jimmy, the stork brings a baby to a mommy and daddy who love each other very much.", or "Well Cindy, when a mommy loves a daddy's money very much, she will get the stork to bring a baby so the daddy will be forced to stay with the mommy and continue to pay for the lifestyle to which she has become accustom."
Like everything grown ups say to kids, these are both lies.
Brace yourself kids, I'm about to explain to you, in horrific detail, the process by which a drunken night out results in the pitter patter of little feet. Come along with me, won't you?
It all starts on a dark and stormy night. A man and a woman, not yet a daddy and a mommy, meet at a place called a bar. A bar, kids, is a place where grown ups can go to drink make believe juice which helps them pretend they are more important or attractive than they really are.
If the man buys enough make believe juice for the lady, they will both be able to pretend that going back to his place is a great idea.
Once they're back at the man's house, the real magic begins. (Kids, I suggest you now go into your parent's, or older brother's, room and look under their mattress. Chances are you'll find a magazine or some movies that will help illustrate the points I am about to make.)
Babies come from a special hug men and women do together when they're full of make believe juice or happy smoke or feel good pills or shame and pity.
This hug is done without any clothes on. It uses that thing between your legs.
This is the tricky part kids. I have to explain what that thing is.
Boys:
What you have there is called a penis. I'm sure you use it everyday. Its where your pee comes out. But, it also serves a darker and more disturbing purpose. When you get older and a pretty lady or your aunt touches it, it gets really scared, just like a possum, and stiffens up and plays dead, just like a possum. The only way to calm it down is to store it in a warm, moist place for anywhere between a few seconds to 1 minute. This will calm it down to the point where escape will cross its mind. Its only other defense mechanism is to throw up all over what- or whomever is keeping it prisoner. Its just like a dragon kids, but instead of spitting fire, it spits baby goo. I'll explain the significance of that in a little while.
Girls:
What you have between your legs is called a vagina. You probably use yours everyday as well. Your pee comes out down there too, but you have a special second hole where you can keep all your secrets. Like a diary. Unlike the boy's dragon, your hidey hole doesn't get scared when a boy touches it. Instead it gets sad. It starts to cry and everything gets all slickery down there. Gross huh kids? Well, the only way to dry it off is to put something dry in there, duh!! So, you have to put the boy's dragon in there to help dry the vagina tears.
So, this is what a man and a woman do together. I hear you kids, you're asking, so what, what does that have to do with where my stupid brother came from? Shut up you little snot and I'll tell you!!
When the dragon spits the baby goo inside of the lady's diary, something magical happens. The goo, which is actually millions of tiny animals, burrows deep inside the lady just like a gopher or hideous mole. Don't worry girls, this doesn't hurt. The animals are too small to hurt.
When one of the tiny animals makes it far enough into the lady, it finds an easter egg. But this egg isn't painted with pretty colors, its painted with responsibility and hatred. Yay!!
The tiny animal digs into the easter egg and when it makes it in, it explodes and sends its guts against the inside wall of the egg. The guts of the animal and the yolk of the egg get all tangled together just like when you play twister.
The egg, instead of being hidden behind a rock and containing a nice piece of candy, is hidden in the walls of the diary and contains a disgusting new life.
Over time, the egg gets bigger and bigger, like the cancer that killed your grandmother, and will eventually get so big that it falls out of the vagina. Don't worry girls, this isn't painful either. The doctors can put happy juice in your blood to make it all ok.
Then, the beautiful process of childbirth is done and you're left with a flattened, disgusting, pink and purple little drain on society. Beautiful, huh kids?
Well, next time your mommy or daddy tries to tell you a stork brings babies, you tell them to shut their filthy, lying holes and make them show you how to make the dragon spit or to dry the sad, sad vaginal tears.
Don't think its all fun and games though kids. There's lots that can go bad. Things like cooties, the dragon not being able to wake up and paternity suits.
Look for explanations of each of those, and more, in future installments of Uncle KL's Teachatorium!!!!!!!
-Uncle KingLuscious
Have you ever asked your mommy or daddy where babies come from? I bet you have, and if I know grown ups, and I do, they lied to your naive pudgy faces.
I bet they said something like, "Well Jimmy, the stork brings a baby to a mommy and daddy who love each other very much.", or "Well Cindy, when a mommy loves a daddy's money very much, she will get the stork to bring a baby so the daddy will be forced to stay with the mommy and continue to pay for the lifestyle to which she has become accustom."
Like everything grown ups say to kids, these are both lies.
Brace yourself kids, I'm about to explain to you, in horrific detail, the process by which a drunken night out results in the pitter patter of little feet. Come along with me, won't you?
It all starts on a dark and stormy night. A man and a woman, not yet a daddy and a mommy, meet at a place called a bar. A bar, kids, is a place where grown ups can go to drink make believe juice which helps them pretend they are more important or attractive than they really are.
If the man buys enough make believe juice for the lady, they will both be able to pretend that going back to his place is a great idea.
Once they're back at the man's house, the real magic begins. (Kids, I suggest you now go into your parent's, or older brother's, room and look under their mattress. Chances are you'll find a magazine or some movies that will help illustrate the points I am about to make.)
Babies come from a special hug men and women do together when they're full of make believe juice or happy smoke or feel good pills or shame and pity.
This hug is done without any clothes on. It uses that thing between your legs.
This is the tricky part kids. I have to explain what that thing is.
Boys:
What you have there is called a penis. I'm sure you use it everyday. Its where your pee comes out. But, it also serves a darker and more disturbing purpose. When you get older and a pretty lady or your aunt touches it, it gets really scared, just like a possum, and stiffens up and plays dead, just like a possum. The only way to calm it down is to store it in a warm, moist place for anywhere between a few seconds to 1 minute. This will calm it down to the point where escape will cross its mind. Its only other defense mechanism is to throw up all over what- or whomever is keeping it prisoner. Its just like a dragon kids, but instead of spitting fire, it spits baby goo. I'll explain the significance of that in a little while.
Girls:
What you have between your legs is called a vagina. You probably use yours everyday as well. Your pee comes out down there too, but you have a special second hole where you can keep all your secrets. Like a diary. Unlike the boy's dragon, your hidey hole doesn't get scared when a boy touches it. Instead it gets sad. It starts to cry and everything gets all slickery down there. Gross huh kids? Well, the only way to dry it off is to put something dry in there, duh!! So, you have to put the boy's dragon in there to help dry the vagina tears.
So, this is what a man and a woman do together. I hear you kids, you're asking, so what, what does that have to do with where my stupid brother came from? Shut up you little snot and I'll tell you!!
When the dragon spits the baby goo inside of the lady's diary, something magical happens. The goo, which is actually millions of tiny animals, burrows deep inside the lady just like a gopher or hideous mole. Don't worry girls, this doesn't hurt. The animals are too small to hurt.
When one of the tiny animals makes it far enough into the lady, it finds an easter egg. But this egg isn't painted with pretty colors, its painted with responsibility and hatred. Yay!!
The tiny animal digs into the easter egg and when it makes it in, it explodes and sends its guts against the inside wall of the egg. The guts of the animal and the yolk of the egg get all tangled together just like when you play twister.
The egg, instead of being hidden behind a rock and containing a nice piece of candy, is hidden in the walls of the diary and contains a disgusting new life.
Over time, the egg gets bigger and bigger, like the cancer that killed your grandmother, and will eventually get so big that it falls out of the vagina. Don't worry girls, this isn't painful either. The doctors can put happy juice in your blood to make it all ok.
Then, the beautiful process of childbirth is done and you're left with a flattened, disgusting, pink and purple little drain on society. Beautiful, huh kids?
Well, next time your mommy or daddy tries to tell you a stork brings babies, you tell them to shut their filthy, lying holes and make them show you how to make the dragon spit or to dry the sad, sad vaginal tears.
Don't think its all fun and games though kids. There's lots that can go bad. Things like cooties, the dragon not being able to wake up and paternity suits.
Look for explanations of each of those, and more, in future installments of Uncle KL's Teachatorium!!!!!!!
-Uncle KingLuscious